The Twelve Flicks of Christmas

A friend of mine had asked me a few weeks ago, "Why don't you rank up a list of best Christmas Movies of all time?"
I thunk to myself...yeah...why not?

Compiling and deliberating on this festive flick list took a lot of time, sacrificed candy canes, and soul searching.

The next question was: Should I include all those TV specials with the actual movies?

Those great and awesome stop-motion classics like Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer, or The Year Without Santa. How about the cartoons we all grew up with? Dr. Seuss's How The Grinch Stole Christmas, or A Charlie Brown Christmas (poor tree!). Or what about A Muppet's Family Christmas where all the Muppets hooked up with the Fraggles and the Sesame Street gang at Fozzy's mom's house for some festive joy? Or the more recent Shrek the Halls or Colbert Christmas? Or the entertainingly offensive South Park offering Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo?

No...I've decided, much like how Santa rules with a velvet red gloved iron fist over the North Pole, to make this list purely movies...ones that have hit theatres at one point and have grown fond in our hearts as we grow older.

Also, as one caveat, I would like to say that I have not seen every Christmas movie in history. So people who will jump on me and say: "Where's Babes in Toyland???" or "You didn't include Bad Santa???" or, "Hey, I expected to see Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen's To Grandma's House We Go!". To them, I say I'm only one man with one pen and one blog. If I do see them between now and then, I will be sure to see if they fit anywhere on this list. So get off my backs, Humbugs! :-P

So here are the TWELVE FLICKS OF CHRISTMAS all Ranked Up (and click on the titles for the trailers and other stuff!):

12. DIE HARD (1988) 7.5 Yippee-ki-ya-yay's out of 10

Did I mention that this was my list and I've got Authorial Dictatorship of this? Besides, name one review that isn't based on opinion. Regardless, this movie wouldn't normally be considered a typical Holiday movie. It's a kick-ass action movie wrapped up in a gift with a Bruce Willis nougat centre. The original and still the best of the Die Hard series. Not only does this movie hold up after 20 years as an action movie, it actually makes you feel good at the end...and isn't that what Christmas movies are all about?

11. THE SANTA CLAUSE (1994) - 7.8 Chubby Fat Suits out of 10

Many years ago, during the height of Tim Allen’s popularity, he made this: his first big screen flick. And with the exception of TOY STORY, probably his best. For the uninitiated, Tim Allen takes over as Santa Claus due to a “clause” at the North Pole which states that if the original Santa can no longer do his duties, the first to find him must take over. So Santa happens to slip off Allen’s roof and dies. A dark beginning but the movie does pick up from there with nutcracking laughter and festive cheer as Allen stumbles through a world that he hasn’t believed in since he was a kid. Well, believe in me when I say that it’s worthwhile to sit down and watch this on a nice holiday afternoon.

10. POLAR EXPRESS (2004) – 8 Golden Tickets out of 10

A train that magically rides anywhere and picks up kids…really? That you can really ski down on its roof while it goes down a hill…really? That can somehow lose control and pick up speed on an ice lake and manage to get back on a track perfectly while the ice cracks behind it…really really? Really. The magic about this movie isn’t its fantastically unrealistic sequences (really what movie isn’t unrealistic to some degree). The magic is in the characters as a boy learns to believe in Santa again thanks to a friendly conductor and a cast of wacky friends. This is a classic animated flick that holds up better than the previews give it credit for. Worth the watch. Really.

9. HOME ALONE (1990) – 8 Joe Pesci burning scalps out of 10

So a kid is left home alone for the Holidays while his parents and his Mormon-sized family shuttle off on a plane for Paris. This movie is an ultimate dream-come-true for any kid needing to get away from his family and the ultimate horror movie for any parent. Kevin (MacKaulay Culkin) fends off hunger, loneliness, and the dumbest thieves in the history of cinema in a rollicking sleigh ride for the Holidays. Like DIE HARD, HOME ALONE makes pain funny on Christmas. A nice movie with fun action.

8. THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS (1993) – 8.2 spooky Santa’s out of 10

Back in 1993, Tim Burton introduced us to the dark morbid world of Jack Skellington, the Pumpkin King. A world where Jack wants to spruce up Halloweentown and decides that kidnapping Santa would be the best way to figure it out. The cult flick is filled with catchy songs like "What's This?" that will make you root for Jack as he uncovers the true meaning of the Holidays. If you've ever been curious over who'd win in a battle between Halloween and Christmas, sit down and watch this during that cold transition month called November.

7. SCROOGED (1988) - 8.5 spiked eggnogs out of 10

Remember that wonderful Dicken's classic "A Christmas Carol"? Ever wonder what it would be like in the mind of Bill Murray? If you said "anal-rentative spirits, antlers stapled to mice heads, nuclear explosions, a zombie ex-boss, and Bobcat Goldthwaite carrying a shotgun", you'd be exactly right. Not only would this movie make you laugh, its light-hearted horror makes you truly feel for Bill Murray's character even though you think he deserves everything coming to him. Only weakness to this film is the gratuitous yet all too forced singing ending. But I can let it pass.

6. THE MUPPET CHRISTMAS CAROL (1992) - 8.7 Cheeses for your Meeses out of 10

The last truly good Muppets Movie and a classic of a classic retold through the eyes of a weirdo named Gonzo and his rat buddy, Rizzo. Kermit and friends try to make ends meet at Christmas while Michael Caine's Scrooge survives the onslaught of three creepy Muppet ghosts, one of which is probably the single best muppet ever created to this day. We've got Muppet comedy that will beckon you back to childhood, an album of some of the best Muppet tunes since THE MUPPET MOVIE, and a warm Fozzy feeling at the end. Sniff...

5. A CHRISTMAS CAROL (1951) - 9 tombstones out of 10

Yes, I know I did three versions of the Christmas Carol back to back to back but this is THE definitive version of the story. Alastair Sim shall always and forever be Ebeneezer Scrooge no matter how many other versions come afterwards. Whether you're watching the original black and white version or the remastered in Technicolour version, you'll feel the spirit of Christmas flowing through you like a nice festive version of ale. For those of you playing a drinking game at home: version.

4. MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET (1947) -9.3 beard tugs out of 10

I wish more court cases where decided by people's opinions being mailed via US Postal Service. Think of the OJ trial back in '95...imagine if the prosecutor, realizing that he has no way to truly win the case received millions of letters all addressed to OJ saying that they know he's guilty, and imagine the judge saying "Well, if the US Postal Service thinks he's guilty, then I say he's guilty," then we wouldn't have the second OJ trial today. But I don't need the US Postal Service to confirm that I'm a guilty sucker for this movie. Right up to the end where you see ol' Kris Kringle's cane leaning against a wall in that empty house. You're left knowing without a doubt that this is a special movie for all ages.

3. IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE (1946) - 9.5 bailout loans out of 10

This Christmas movie about a banker losing money and faith in life right after the end of the Great Depression speaks volumes in today's current economic climate. Mark my words, when we see the light of day at the end of this recession, there's going to be a remake of this movie starring Jim Carrey. A remake of this movie has him all over it. Seriously. The brilliance of this movie is it's simple story of love, life, and finding true happyness. I swear if Jimmy Stewart came to my door with his puppy dog eyes, I'd give him my home to save his business. A story of how bad things happen to good people and how good people find the strength and faith to carry on. This movie is a must-see at least once a year.

2. NATIONAL LAMPOONS CHRISTMAS VACATION (1989) - 9.8 shorted light circuits out of 10

For as long as I can remember, this here has been my favourite Holiday movie of all time. Chevy's in his prime, the soundtrack is awesome, the action is hilarious, and you get Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Juliette Lewis, Randy Quaid, and Doris Roberts before they were famous. On any given scene, I could walk in and know exactly where we are in the movie and most often what the next line is going to be. And this movie is one of my staples. It's over-the-top kitschy humour is what makes this movie so worthwhile and brings me coming back and begging for more dried turkey. And if there's one scene that sums up this movie, it's this one. Do yourself a favour and watch it before you end up in the nut house!

But regardless how good this movie is...this one trumps all...

1. A CHRISTMAS STORY (1983) - 10 Red Ryder BB Guns out of 10

I only saw this movie for the first time a couple years ago. I don't know why it took me so long to see this movie. My friends all have said that this was their favourite Christmas movie. "Better than Christmas Vacation??? Nothing's better than Christmas Vacation! How can a movie where the trailer looks this cheesy (click here) be any good!!!!" I thought with absurd wonder.

Well, in the past couple years, this movie has grown on me and has tied for Christmas Vacation. The reason I place it above Vacation is simply because this IS the perfect Holiday movie. Fraught with Wonder Years-esque dialogue before there was a Wonder Years, filled with the sweaty, smelly, gritty Christmas cheer that we all experience this time of year at the malls, and teeming with child-like wonder, all Christmas movies should be seen through a child's eyes like this one. There is no single bad scene and they're all incredibly quotable:

RALPHIE NARRATING (on seeing he just got a pink bunny pyjamas from his Aunt): Aunt Clara had for years labored under the delusion that I was not only perpetually 4 years old, but also a girl.

And if all that doesn't sway you, I'll let Siskel and Ebert try to bring it on home.

Well, that's it! My top 12 Christmas Movies of all time!!!!

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy Freakin' New Year...

...awww, heck...one more Ralphie clip for the road: Fa-Ra-Ra-Ra-Ra!!!!

Life on Maher's RELIGULOUS

Bill Maher, the hard-hitting political comedian from such great shows as Politically Incorrect and Real Time, attempts to open minds to the inaccuracies of the greatest political figure that has ever "theoretically" walked God's Green Earth. I speak, of course, of Jesus.

Maher uses RELIGULOUS as a glorified multi-screened soap box rehashing ideas he's spouted all his life on his TV shows. Except this time he's got a Hollywood budget, a few hard core religious fanatics that can't see their own ridiculous extravagances, a fake Jesus (who compares the Holy Trinity to the three states of water...a clever analogy until you realize it doesn't hold...er, water), a hilarious Vatican priest who's openness is refreshing, and fear, fear, fear.

Maher uses the argument and skews it to his own political agenda to dismiss the American war in the Middle East as an insane battle between two religions. He truly believes (or at least portrays in this movie) that religion will ultimately be the downfall of humanity because it is based on archaic ideals and non-sensical myths. This, for the most part, is true. However, religion does help a lot of people who need the support and closeness of an organized group. For this reason, I think Maher misses the point of religion.
Or does he?

He takes on the people who believe the Bible to be the Truth that, in his own words, has people who "beleive that there was a talking snake in the Garden of Eden and that people lived 900 years". He doesn't talk to the people who think of the Bible more as a sensible collection of fables and morals to live your life by. And that is because it's a funnier movie to show how ridiculous to make fun of the crazy people.

And this movie IS funny...above all, Maher is hilarious with his one-liners. Interdispersed with clever movie clips throughout, the movie sometimes felt like something a University film major could've put together.

RELIGULOUS is a silly look at the silly world of rediculous religion (and no religion is spared to his candid eye). It is worth a look for anyone who wants to learn some truth underneath the Pope's hat and laugh.

7 free admissions to Holyland in Orlando out of 10

Post Script: If you enjoyed the more serious aspects about this movie, check out a movie called ZEITGEIST. It is dryer than Maher's take but is incredibly interesting and goes much much deeper in a frightening way. The first 9 minutes is skipable before it starts getting into the meat of it. If you're interested, follow this link to see the whole movie that only appears online.

A hit of PINAPPLE EXPRESS

It appears Seth Rogen can do no wrong in great truthful comedies. He and Judd Apatow have created a franchise of comedies that would rival any other in history. Take a look at this impressive list when they collaborate: 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN, KNOCKED UP, SUPERBAD, FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL, and ANCHORMAN (yes, Seth was in that in a small role…look it up!). PINEAPPLE EXPRESS follows this tradition like a great bong hit.

PINAPPLE EXPRESS at its juicy core is a drug adventure comedy in the same light as HALF BAKED, HAROLD AND KUMAR GO TO WHITE CASTLE, and CHEECH AND CHONG’S UP IN SMOKE. Hilarious to a fault and with added car chase scenes, gun play, and explosions. It has everything a guy movie should have with the obvious exception of bikini girls. And this movie IS geared towards guys, or gals who like guy movies. And anyone who likes to light up once and awhile.

PINAPPLE EXPRESS is a story of Dale Denton (Rogen), a court processing server, and his drug-dealing buddy, Saul (John Franco), as they go on the run after Dale witnesses a murder. The conversations are as high and absurd as the characters and they stumble their way to escape the murderers (Rosie Perez as a crooked cop, and Gary Cole as a drug lord) who are trying to hunt them down. They befriend Saul’s dealer, Red(Danny R. McBride), who becomes seemingly invincible as he survives bullet wounds, bathroom sinks, and fires…which is perfect (and plausible) for this movie.

John Franco shines in a role I never thought he could pull off convincingly. Before this stoner persona, he was probably most recognizable as Spiderman’s best friend-turned-nemesis, Harry Osborn/Goblin in the newest SPIDERMAN series. Franco’s Saul is one I’d love to see again.

And Seth Rogen is great as always. His shelf life as a producer, actor, and writer can be as fruitful as Kevin Smith’s career if he hasn’t already surpassed it. Seth Rogen is someone every guy can relate to…heck, probably has had a friend just like him somewhere. What guy hasn’t dreamed about blowing up stuff, driving a car real fast, and bringing down the bad guy? Seth Rogen has dreamed it and has created it.

With PINAPPLE EXPRESS, we can experience all this as well through a Purple Haze.

8.5 Dr. Greenthumbs out of 4:20 (if in altered states of being)
7.8 flying Slurpees out of 10 (if not)

TROPIC THUNDER: A Storm of Downey

I witnessed a few interesting previews when I saw Tropic Thunder, Ben Stiller’s spoof on Hollywood war movies. One looks promising, another a cry for help in a dying franchise, and a third should never have been created. I want to briefly comment on each before I get into my review of Tropic Thunder.

First, let’s start with Tugg Speedman’s Scorcher IV: Global Meltdown. I’ve been a fan of the Scorcher movies since I was a kid, and Speedman delivers on each one (a little less effectively each time). How many cheesy catch phrases can one actor produce before he becomes irrelevant? Apparently, Tugg has reached his quota…and his “serious” turn in the mental disability bomb SIMPLE JACK did nothing to help his career. This reviewer will probably wait until this hits video. Sorry, Tugg, but one of us has to let go of the past.

The second movie is a Jeff Portnoy fart comedy…the sequel to the undeserved hit THE FATTIES (2006)…THE FATTIES: FART 2. I can’t express how horrible this movie looks. It’s an insult to witty fart-knockers in history like Lord Flatulette (who could perform Beethoven’s 5th Symphony without a soiled undie), and Seymore Farts (the famous 1970s fart impression comic). I pass judgment on the movie on the mere trailer. So long Mr. Portnoy…and good riddance.

Lastly, I saw a great preview of the new Kirk Lazarus/Tobey McGuire religious love drama called SATAN’S ALLEY. If you haven’t seen this preview, go out and watch it. The trailer alone will bring you to tears.

Now on to the review.

TROPIC THUNDER stars Tugg Speedman (Stiller), Jeff Portnoy (Jack Black), Alpa Chino (Brandon T. Jackson), and the exceptional Kirk Lazarus (Robert Downey Jr). For those who haven’t heard, Lazarus underwent skin pigmentation surgery to play the movie’s African-American general. And the transformation from the blond haired blue-eyed bombshell is astounding and a testament to method acting. He alone is what makes this movie worthwhile.

No war movie is safe as they poke fun at anything and everything Hollywood. From the over-budget gore fests of some movies to the angry life of a producer (Tom Cruise in one of his funniest roles ever!), Tropic Thunder spares no prisoners.

This movie may take a few tours of duty to fully appreciate like any Ben Stiller movie (i.e. ZOOLANDER). The jokes come fast, subtle, and timeless enough to last the long run.

Those who’ve written articles about this movie being offensive to the mentally disabled are…well, mentally disabled. One of Tugg Speedman’s characters (SIMPLE JACK) is an over-the-top caricature of Hollywood’s portrayal of the mentally disabled (or as the movie says “retarded”). If there’s any people who should be offended, it’s Hollywood for subjecting us to actors reaching beyond their grasps to reinvent their careers (see Jim Carrey in any serious role).

TROPIC THUNDER elevates the bar on smart spoof movies. Having said that, without Robert Downey Jr or Tom Cruise nailing their respective characters to the point of ridiculous believability, this movie wouldn’t have been a blip on the radar. Also, keep the kiddies away. It’s a funny movie but gory in that Spielberg war-action movie kind of way.

8.2 cans of Booty Sweat Energy Drink out of 10

The original STEP BROTHERS

Will Farrell is an original funnyman. No one has enjoyed a career essentially playing themselves for so long since Jim Carrey in his Ace Venture/Dumb & Dumber phase. I don’t deny his talents, his utter fearlessness, and astounding absurdities. Farrell is the real deal.

John C. Reilly is a truly original actor. He’s a sensitive Everyman who isn’t given enough opportunities to shine. Every role he takes is of an unsung hero just like his life. He commits fully to his craft life few other actors of this generation, and when given the right co-stars, he feeds off that energy and morphs into the role he’s given.

STEP BROTHERS is not an original movie. The concept of two 40 year olds acting as adolescents is original. When the concept broken down and stripped to a nut sack on a snare drum, this is a “Buddy Movie” in the style of Steve Martin and John Candy in PLANES, TRAINS, AND AUTOMOBILES, Abbott and Costello, or (the aforementioned) Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels in DUMB AND DUMBER…only not as good.

Comedy can be dumb and silly. Comedy can be thoughtful. But comedy demands heart for it to be palatable. Without heart, it becomes difficult to care about the character’s careless antics. As such, it is difficult to care about Brennan (Farrell) and Dale (Reilly).

This isn’t a slight on Farrell’s or Reilly’s comedic ability. They made as much as they could from what they were given. The fault lies on their writing abilities to produce an adequate script (also written by the two stars). It almost felt like they were relying on old jokes and just “phoning it in” instead of pushing the envelope.

I found myself caring more for their father (step-father), Robert (Richard Jenkins of SIX FEET UNDER), who displays the most depth in this movie. His dreams of traveling around the world on a boat are shattered as quickly as the brothers shattered his boat on some rocks. Only when they realize Robert’s pain do they try to make amends and grow up. But even here, this seems forced and out of character for them.

Still, STEP BROTHERS does offer a few laughs (most of which are given away in the trailer), and a good fill of Will Farrell. Not one of his best movies (ANCHORMAN), not his worst (NIGHT AT THE ROXBURY), and better than the dated SEMI-PRO. This is a movie in search of a heart.

6.9 “Boats and Hos” out of 10

Heath Ledger's THE DARK KNIGHT

Now THIS is why I love movies. The high-octane action. The palpable tension between characters. Smart dialogue. Brilliant cinematics. And one actor who created a character so intriguing, so full of joie-de-vie that they could've made a movie all about him...and they did. It's called THE DARK KNIGHT.

In the second installment to the newer darker grittier Batman series (BATMAN BEGINS being the first), we are introduced to a villain who not only dominates and outsmarts the Caped Crusader but also over-shadows this flick with a demented red war-painted grin. Everything you've heard about Heath Ledger playing The Joker is true. I was skeptical. I felt his death might've blown up his celebrity status and created a posthumous congratulatory hue over this role. But I was wrong. Even if Ledger didn't tragically pass away earlier this year, he deserved every accolade the movie world can give him. Not only does he reinvent The Joker into someone who's likable, understandable, funny, and terrifying (in the A CLOCKWORK ORANGE way), he's created a villain in par with other great antagonists in history like Hannibal Lector and Darth Vader.

No disrespect to Jack Nicholson who also did a great job as The Joker in BATMAN from 1989 but comparing these two roles is like comparing who makes a better Hamlet. You can but both are distinctly different visions and neither are better nor worse than the other. However, Ledger's darker version will ultimately become the most memorable considering the circumstances that surrounds this role.

Christian Bale is excellent as Batman/Bruce Wayne again. But even this always raspy Batman (who probably needs a Bat-lozenge to sooth his throat) and all his awesome technology (the Bat-bike is what dreams are made of) is only a side-show to The Joker.

And Aaron Eckhart as Harvey "Two-Face" Dent starts out as bland as vanilla ice cream until he becomes horribly scared and warped by The Joker. Eckhart's Two-Face is also based in reality (albeit a bit of suspension of this reality is needed in order to believe he'd survive what happens to him) which is why this movie works so well. On some strange level, all these characters are plausible to some degree.

Other notable nods to Maggie Gyllenhall as Harvey Dent's girlfriend, Michael Caine as Batman's butler, and Morgan Freeman as Batman's gadget maker.

THE DARK KNIGHT is not too far off from a classic and is the new pinnacle to what superhero movies should be. With the exception of some slow parts involving Harvey Dent, this movie is worth two, three or four viewings...even if only to see Heath Ledger as The Joker.

9.7 Wild Jokers out of 10

A HANCOCK Intervention

On tonight's special episode of A&E's Intervention, we have a movie about raging alcoholic with confidence and uncontrolled destruction issues named HANCOCK.

H.A.N.C.O.C.K. (for those who've seen the show Intervention will get that.)

Oh yeah, and did we mention he also is a loner superhero with a chip on his shoulder. HANCOCK (played by the charming Will Smith) relies on drinking 40's of whatever liquor he can find to numb his pain. People of Los Angeles (called Angelinos...who knew?) nudge this reluctant saviour from his drunken stupor whenever there's "bad guys" around. Meanwhile, Hancock would rather be left alone in this lonely lonely world where he is the only one of his kind...hence the drinking to cope. And if it weren't for the "bad guys", the city would rather him leave to protect themselves from his destructive rampages.

There's a lot of fun in this part of the movie (about the first 40 minutes). We have a unique and likeable character unlike any other superhero we've seen before. He doesn't disguise who he is (wears ratty clothes), makes no compromises or excuses, and doesn't care what destruction he causes as long as he saves the innocent people. You either take him or leave him. He doesn't care. It's funny, fast-paced, and glowing of something special (probably a liquor buzz).

Then comes the intervention in the form of Ray Embrey (Jason Bateman), a marketing entrepreneur trying to get his business off the ground. He takes Hancock under his wing to sanitize his image and to become more accessible to the public.

And thus Hancock is cured...and the movie turns into the sanitized superhero movie we've all become accustomed to. There are twists to keep the movie going and the action sequences are on par with SUPERMAN RETURNS or HULK. But the magic of HANCOCK disappears as soon as they pry the bottle out of his chaffed and soiled hands.

(Beware! Writer's Rant ahead!) If a new hero character is to survive in this Marvel and DC world, he or she needs to be completely one-of-a-kind. A drunk foul-mouthed wreckless superhero who doesn't like his job is such a character. Turning him into Superman in an X-Men suit is not. This movie would've been better if he tried out his new clean cut version, rejected it but still saved the day. He's the hero of anti-heroes. An imperfect being for an imperfect world (like HELLBOY). Instead, we get a superhero movie that may be forgotten in the summer of superhero movies.

HANCOCK isn't a bad movie. It's very entertaining and best viewed on a large screen to get the full effect. It's your typical summer fare that I enjoy this time of year: sit back, eat your popcorn, and get ready for take-off with not much thinking involved or consideration for plot holes. It's just in a summer when IRONMAN was released, HANCOCK pales in comparison.

7.8 Bottles of Hooch out of 10

WALL*E gets a Wall*A+

Leave it to Pixar to wrap up an apt social commentary on pollution, political propaganda, obesity, and the dangers of the internet inside a beautifully told story of a small garbage-compressor robot looking for love.

WALL*E takes place far into the future (about 700 years) to a time where humanity has abandoned the Earth leaving it to robots to clean up the mess they left behind. By the looks of things, WALL*E (the main character) may be the last of his kind on Earth going about his directive to make and stack garbage cubes until humanity returns or the end of time. During his lonely life, this resourceful little bundle gets intrigued by the knick-knacks of a world that existed before his time (a Rubix Cube, a VHS tape of HELLO DOLLY, a spork...) and his only friend is a smart caring cockroach who follows Wall*E everywhere. Wall*E's mundane existence is turned topsy-turvy with the arrival of a sleek female robot name Eve looking for any signs of recovery on this sad planet.

The movie follows these two robots as they discover the eccentricities of love and being human while humanity becomes more dependent upon their robots to make their life away from the Earth more comfortable. So much so that they have become as comatose and mechanical to the world around them as the computer your sitting in front of right now.

WALL*E is sparse of dialogue but proves that words aren't necessary to express emotion or get ideas across. The whole movie is littered with silly (often hilarious) and poignant hijinx that echoes Johnny-5 from SHORT CIRCUIT. There's enough here to keep a child and adult amused alike. And there's more than a fare share of old robot movie shout-outs at every turn (the evil Autopilot in the movie echoes 2001:A SPACE ODYSSEY and FLIGHT OF THE NAVIGATOR, the robots on the ship will make you think of STAR WARS).

WALL*E will give you a bit of everything: laughs, love, great animation, excellent and original story, and some mental fodder to take home about the world we live today.

8.9 tumbling fat humans out of 10

THE HAPPENING ain't Happenin'.

M. Night Shyamalan peaked early in his directorial and writing career. He started with the shocking THE SIXTH SENSE...then it slowly de-evolved from there. He's tackled aliens afraid of water (SIGNS), monsters who turn out to be ourselves (THE VILLAGE), and polar opposite super humans (UNBREAKABLE). This time in THE HAPPENING Shyamalan engages the environment...poorly.

The environment gets as angry at humanity as I did towards Shyamalan for taking an interesting and clever premise and executing it so terribly with stilted acting, illogical storylines, and a weak ending. Shyamalan consistently shows Hitchcockian promise with his unique ideas mixed with an amateur director mentality who doesn't have the chops to pull it off (with the exception of THE SIXTH SENSE).

Not even Mark Walhberg, normally a half-decent and entertaining actor, can save this dretch. I am uncertain if the actors chose an over-the-top cardboard style or this was just the director choosing the worst possible take of every scene in post-production. Whatever the choice, I was thankful that the environment killed off these characters in Stephen King style (i.e. guy gets chopped up laying in front of a ride-on lawnmower).

THE HAPPENING never achieves the climax it foreshadows in the beginning (the first thirty minutes is excellent and suspenseful). As soon as we learn the cause of the suspense, all momentum of this movie fades left with nothing but bad acting, poor directing, and a mediocre script.

5 kicks to the groin out of 10.

The Modern Tale of Dr. Banner and Mr. HULK

Add a fine base of the classic Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde, mix in some radiation and a mutant, stir constantly and bring it to a nice green boil and you've got a healthy helping of THE INCREDIBLE HULK starring Ed Norton, Liv Tyler, and Tim Roth.

THE INCREDIBLE HULK wisely side-steps the terrible and forgettable Ang Lee version of the HULK released in 2003 who used the B-Star power of Eric Bana, no super-villain, and flat-lined storytelling to ruin the franchise with the abomination. The new version of the HULK gives us all that was missing and a definite super-villain named The Abomination. A shout-out to that failed movie? No. The Abomination is one of the Hulk's greatest nemesis from pre-movie days.

Ed Norton brings a healthy tinge of humanity to the green monster. We see (and for those who read the comics, this is nothing new) that The Hulk is a deeper soul than the thickness of his skin and muscle. Rumours tell us that Norton was upset with post-production on this movie because they cut out a lot of scenes which would've allowed Bruce Banner's character to grow in lieu of more action. And that's exactly what I found I was yearning for by the end of the movie, more of Norton's Banner and less Hulk.

Liv Tyler plays her normal sweet girl-next-door persona that she utilizes in most of her movies as Bruce Banner's love interest, Betty Ross. This isn't necessarily a bad thing but I fear that (with the exception of Arwen in LORD OF THE RINGS) this is the only character she can play successfully. And again, I still was waiting for more of her and Banner interacting as when they were together they were golden.

Tim Roth, however, steals the show as Emil Blonsky and his alter-ego The Abomination. Evil, intelligent, flawed, and intense, Tim Roth was an excellent choice as the Hulk's main antagonist.

THE INCREDIBLE HULK roars with intense action, a decent plot, strong characters, a Stan Lee sighting, and a (not-so) subtle nod to another Marvel movie that came out earlier this summer, IRONMAN. I enjoyed this movie and will be looking forward to a sequel.


8 Mutated DNA Strands out of 10

KUNG FU PANDA style!!!

Moral of this story: don't judge a book by it's cover until you got a chance to read and understand the book. I've read and understood this book...er...movie. And it's entirely what you'd expect from the preview (which, by the way, already shows the best parts).

KUNG FU PANDA is a cliche-riddled, hyper-kick action, Pixar animated blah-fest. You've got your wise sensei master, your misunderstood and under-talented student, an evil villain with Dragonball Z type powers, and a remix of the way over used martial arts go-to song "Everybody was Kung-Fu fighting."
Now, to steal a quote from Po, the movie's endearing main character, "I LOVE KUNG-FUUUUUUUUUUU....." but I either like old skool martial arts movies where the cheesy cliches began (like ENTER THE DRAGON), or newer ones that reinvent the genre (Jackie Chan circa 1990's, KILL BILL, CROUCHING TIGER HIDDEN DRAGON, ect). KUNG FU PANDA delivers nothing new to the genre in either martial arts or comedy (the panda acts like Chris Farley in BEVERLY HILLS NINJA).

This movie isn't a total loss. The animation is top notch and the elaborate and entertaining fight sequences are easy to follow and are rarely a blur on the screen. This much I expect from Pixar.

However, I'm finding lately that whenever a brilliantly animated feature stars a huge amount of big name celebrities (this one has Jack Black, Dustin Hoffman, Angelina Jolie, Jackie Chan, Seth Rogen, Lucy Liu, David Cross, and Michael Clark Duncan) it usually equals poor story-telling. Sadly, this holds true for KUNG FU PANDA.

As a result, I've formed a FLICKED UP rule that goes like this: "If an animated movie has greater than three superstar names, the story will suck." Try it out, there are few exceptions to this rule!

Is KUNG FU PANDA horrible? Depends on your tastes. If you're not into martial arts or are not under the age of 12, wait for it on video this Christmas.

5.5 noodle bowls out of 10

(Side note: I'm rather intrigued how bad DON'T MESS WITH THE ZOHAN is if this movie almost doubled it in the box office on the opening weekend.)

SPEED RACER sputters to the Finish

Every once and awhile a director takes a chance and dabbles outside the conventional practices of movie making. They re-invented the action genre and use of CGI in THE MATRIX, and cartoons mixed with live action genre in WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT? They pushed the limits of creativity and every movie thereafter evolved into something new and fresh.

SPEED RACER has this kind of feel. Meshing 3D animation, CGI, and live action in a seamless montage that is way ahead of it's time. The movie felt like a video game from green light to checkered flag. And that's exactly it's flaw.

SPEED RACER has a passable plot sugar-coated with so much action and bright flashing lights and explosions that you don't really mind. There's just enough plot to get you to the next race.
The race scenes are best viewed on the Big Screen or IMAX as I fear they won't translate as well on DVD or Blue Ray unless you have a system that is worthy of the spectacular colourful racing world of the future.

Based on the Japanime series of the same name that opened up mainstream North America to Robotech, Akira, and, eventually, Pokemon, SPEED RACER may be a pre-cursor to the future of high octane action flicks.

One guarantee is that there's no other movie quite like it and feels like watching the birth of something special and grand on the horizon in the movie making world. Too bad the story wasn't better.

9 Mach Five's out of 10 (for action)
5 Matt Fox sitings out of 10 (for plot)
7 karate-chopping monkeys out of 10 (overall)

INDIANA JONES 4 and the Mystery of the Miscast Script

Upon walking out of INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULLS, I had a odd taste in my mouth. Not a horrible taste. An out of place taste. One of those tastes where you take a sip out of a pop container thinking it's Coke but find out it's root beer. Expecting one thing but getting something else entirely that I can't classify as bad...just unexpected.

Indy was his usual Indy self cracking his whip (albeit done in such a way that it seemed like Spielberg put the movie together and realized "Aw crap! I forgot to have Indy use his whip! Let's just have him snap it a couple times and swing from something."). There were the usual creepy caves, snakes, insects, and half-decayed corpses. There were sequences of Indy going back for his hat when he should've just gotten the heck out of there. And there were the narrow escapes before he gets thrown off a cliff, killed by collapsing walls, giant red ants, and disappearing stairwells. All that is great and tasted perfectly well of Indiana Jones. And you know, as old as Harrison Ford is, he made Dr. Jones feel young again despite looking a little past his prime on the opening shot.

It's the Crystal Skulls part that ruined what could've been a great movie.

Steven Spielberg and George Lucas have said since the closing credits of THE LAST CRUSADE that they'd never do another Indiana Jones movie without the script being perfect. I should've realized then that with each of their track records (Spielberg with ET, CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND, AI, JURASSIC PARK; Lucas with STAR WARS) a perfect script usually meant sci-fi.

Liberties have been taken before in Indiana Jones. The 2000 year old sentry guarding the Holy Grail in THE LAST CRUSADE for example. But all of them fit (more or less) into the Indiana Jones mythology. THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULLS does not.

The characters were fun. The action was great (with one glaring monkey swinging exception). And the cinematography was top notch. It was the script that was miscast.

It was a story better suited for the likes of Mulder and Scully (X-FILES 2 coming in August!) than it was for Indiana Jones. Not a bad story just not what you'd expect.

I went in expecting Coke and I got a mouth full of Root Beer. Now that you know it's Root Beer, it may not leave a funny taste in your mouth after you leave the theatre.

8 Crystal Skulls out of 10

The Man Behind the IRONMAN

He was rude, obnoxious, and inconsiderate. He was one of those people who you love to hate but secretly admire because he was so quick-witted and cool. You wish you were him because of his success and hate yourself for it. This man is Tony Stark. Tony Stark is Ironman.

Unlike every other superhero persona, Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) wants the world to know he's Ironman. To him, this is another cool feather in his cool cap. And like Batman, Tony Stark wasn't bitten by a radioactive spider or from another planet. He relies on technology to invent Ironman: a yellow and red chrome hero that couldn't have existed in any other time frame than now.

IRONMAN as a movie is the first truly "Summer" blockbuster. The kind you can sit back, strap in, and be taken away on a high-octane, explosive, CGI-laced ride that leaves you breathless at the end. This isn't a movie where the science has to be taken apart because, quite frankly, the science doesn't make a whole lot of sense. (I.E. Stark goes "A-Team" on us and builds the Ironman suit while being captive in a cave in Afghanistan.) But, quite frankly, if I can believe that a man came climb walls like a spider, if I can believe that robots can transform into cars, this plot isn't that bad. And that's one of the reasons why IRONMAN is so much fun.

IRONMAN has all the same playfulness and action of the first SPIDERMAN and the original Chris Reeves's SUPERMAN. Most of the movie involves the comedic failures and successes of creating and perfecting Ironman's suit. There's no true super-villain for him to battle as his mission is to destroy the high-tech weapons that he (as Tony Stark) created and sold (A high-tech weaponized suit of armour destroying high-tech weapons: Can I rename this flick IRONYMAN?). But a super-villain isn't necessary here and would've cramped up the story.

As the first blockbuster of the Summer season, spend some well deserved time with the cocky yet endearing Tony Stark. I look forward to the sequel when he can face off against someone truly worthy of Ironman.

8.5 mixed drinks out of 10

HAROLD AND KUMAR 2 barely escapes with an OK

Too often comedy sequels pale in the glow of originality of the first. There are few exceptions to this rule such as NAKED GUN 2 1/2, AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME, and SHREK 2.

HAROLD AND KUMAR ESCAPES FROM GUANTANAMO BAY follows the same path as WAYNE'S WORLD 2. Same set of standby jokes told slightly different with a little more edge but essentially nothing new. This is the danger of writing a poor script with one dimensional characters. In Sequel Writing 101, the most important lesson is to write something the viewer hasn't known before about the characters. This never happens.

Where the original (HAROLD AND KUMAR GOES TO WHITE CASTLE) was a pure buddy movie cut from the same mold as the Cheech and Chong flicks or Dave Chappelle's HALF BAKED, HAROLD AND KUMAR 2 trades in it's simplicity of two guys getting the munchies for political agendas. Do I want to watch Harold and Kumar teach me about the injustices of the terrorist concentration camps or about the misjudging of races if you make general racial statements? No! That's what Michael Moore is for. I want Harold and Kumar to chase after that elusive bag of the best sticky-icky that'll give them the best high while surviving increasingly drug-induced silliness. I don't think this movie has killed the franchise...there'll probably be one last sequel. But I wouldn't be surprised if there isn't.

Still, Harold (John Cho) and Kumar (Kal Penn) emerse themselves into their characters and their play of each other makes for an entertaining movie. The sad part is that the boys were given a boring plot to make it work. And Neil Patrick Harris continues his bid of being the William Shatner of the future generation of actors as the one who re-invents himself past expiry date to make fun of himself. A bold move that has extended Shatner's career that very well could work for Harris.

For the most part, save your bucks and wait for HAROLD AND KUMAR ESCAPE FROM GUANTANAMO BAY to hit DVD or for it to show up on Spike or TNT where they'll replay it every two hours for a few weeks straight.

6 Doogie's riding a Unicorn out of 10

88 MINUTES of my life wasted

Predictable. Mundane. Pacing is wonky. Characters have the depth of the paper the story was written on. And ultimately the plot was WAY over thought and forced.

I have a feeling that the writers of 88 MINUTES were thinking more about plot twists as opposed to worrying about having an actual working plot to base to twists on.

The main premise of this story is as follows: A forensic psychiatrist (Al Pacino) is told he's got 88 minutes to live because of an alleged false testimony he gave YEARS ago putting a criminal who raped and killed his little sister on death row. Pacino now has only 88 minutes to find out who's on the outside trying to kill him...meanwhile, there's a serial killer on the loose who's calling card is hanging his victims upsidedown by one leg and slitting there throats (see what I mean by writer's forcing it to be original).

There literally is no saving grace in this movie. Pacino tries his best to make a bad script work as he always does but no one, short of God Himself, could save this movie.

A much better smarter and excellent real-time based movie would be 1995's NICK OF TIME starring Johnny Depp. So I recommend renting that movie before advising anyone to pay money to see 88 MINUTES.

2.5 out of 10 (I'm not even going to waste my time thinking of a clever way to rank this.)

Who's FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL?

Judd Apatow knows men and knows what makes men laugh: penis jokes, gratuitous swearing, crotch shots, "High" humour, and anything else that would make your average teenage male roll in the streets. Apatow has brought to the forefront juvenile male humour the likes Hollywood fears. The likes that used to be reserved in the smoke-filled THC encrusted college dorm rooms of men. Except it's these very same men he focuses on who grow older and a little softer yet never truly ever grow up.

Where last year's KNOCKED UP explored man's fear of childbirth, where 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN re-introduced the world to men's honest view of sex, where SUPERBAD took us back in time to when these same men were teens, FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL is an exploration of men's perspectives on the ups and downs of love. This is a Male Chick Flick.

Jason Segel from "How I Met Your Mother" is the latest to graduate from Apatow's circle of comic Everymen and star in his own movie. He follows in the footsteps of Seth Rogan, Steve Carell, and Jonah Hill to creating an imperfect character into something inherently lovable.

The movie follows a distraught Peter (Segel) as he tries to get over his famous ex-girlfriend Sarah (Kirsten Bell) and escapes to Hawaii to get away and start over. He is supported by his good friend Brian (hilarious Bill Hader from SNL), Brian's nosy wife (Liz Cackowski), and island cutie Rachel (Mila Kunis) to help him pick up the pieces. Things go a little awry, as these comedies do, when Peter finds that Sarah has decided to go to Hawaii with her new rockstar hearthrob (brilliantly played by relative unknown Russell Brand). Things get strained and awkward at best after that...and how Judd Apatow handles these situations is what's pure gold.

There are no stand out shots that make you realize you'll remember this scene forever (Like KNOCKED UP's "birthing" scene). But there's enough one liners to make you roll in the aisles like this tid-bit: "When life gives you lemons, just say 'Fuck the lemons,' and bail."

And if Kunu, the Surfing Instructor, doesn't have you laughing at everything he says...well, then you're probably not high enough.

Crude, rude, and breaming with full frontal comedy, FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL will shock and awe you into laughing fits even after the credits roll. Don't miss it!

8.5 Dracula Musicals out of 10

DAN IN REAL LIFE by Adam in Real Life

Dan is a writer.
Adam is a writer.
Dan is a father in an all female family.
Adam is a father in an all female family.
Dan has loving siblings and parents.
Adam has loving siblings and parents.
Dan's wife died and is trying his best to relate to his three daughters while falling for his brother's girlfriend during a family reunion.
Adam's car is falling apart.
All similarities aside, Dan (played with comic subtlety by Steve Carell) has much tougher issues to work through. Mine can be solved with a bunch of cash and a tune up. Dan's needs a little more elbow grease.
I was introduced to DAN IN REAL LIFE purely by accident while perusing through IMDB (the Internet Movie DataBase) one day. As a self-professed Carell-ophyte, I wanted to find anything and everything he's done. This movie got very little promotion outside of independent movie circles but did get rave reviews by those who were in the know when it was released last October.
I wrote in a previous review for EASTERN PROMISES how much I love Focus Features releases. They make poignant movies about snapshots of real life taken with a slight "Duck-Out-Of-Water" slant.
DAN IN REAL LIFE is nothing revolutionary. You've probably seen this story before about a guy and a girl wanting to be with each other but can't (see Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet) but most likely not told so honestly and with so much humility. There are moments of embarrassment that make you cringe because you really feel for Dan and what he's coping with (I used to call these "Wonder Years" moments).

A charming movie with small town family values and a selection of perfectly cast actors. Just like how it is in my real life...except I need a good mechanic friend for my car.

8 pancakes out of 10.

(OFFICIAL RANKATRON NOTE: This is not on the list because it was released almost 6 months ago. But to make it up to you, I'm going to be reviewing three (maybe four) movies over the next week that ARE on the list: 88 Minutes, The Forbidden Kingdom, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and Iron Man...it's going to be a busy week!)

SMART PEOPLE with Reel Babies

As a new father, you discover new and wonderful things about the world that you've either forgotten or never knew existed. Things like how toes can be the funniest things in the world, or how your kid licking Velcro will cause her to have the most quizzical look (can't remember the last time I licked Velcro) , or that there's a whole sub-culture of baby-related events in this city (Halifax, NS) frequented by "at-home" Moms or Dads looking for some normalcy.
My resourceful wife introduced me to this sub-culture by inviting me to a special showing of SMART PEOPLE for anyone with young children (AKA "Reel Babies"). I went to the theatre weary as to what to expect...and what I expected was almost right with some small caveats: this theatre was jam-packed with Mommies and Babies (there was a grand total of 3 fathers there including me...I counted) all cradling or rocking or feeding or soothing their lil' ones. The front of the theatre had strollers (both collapsible and not) lined up like cars on a ferry. A change table large enough for three babies was set up to one side (often there was a line-up for this). A toy play area was set up for some of the older kids if they got bored. And EVEN a microwave should you need to nuke your baby bottles. These were the necessities of survival for this world all provided by the movie theatre. And I tell ya...you've never fully experienced a movie until you try to listen to one through the swell of baby coos and cries...and it wasn't so bad.
The lights dim (not so much so you can still get around to change baby if needed)...and the screen comes up...and the sound is a little lower than normal...but it's loud enough to be heard over the rampant babiness.
On to SMART PEOPLE, or as I'd title it, "How pompous people act if they think they're so smart that every one else has to live up to THEIR expectations". For the sake of this review and conciseness, I'll refer to it under it's original title.
SMART PEOPLE stars Dennis Quaid (socially awkward Professor Lawrence Wetherhold), Sarah Jessica Parker (pleasant and "straight-shootin'" Doctor Janet Hartigan), Thomas Haden-Church (sophomoronic brother of the professor, Chuck Wetherhold), and Ellen Page (stiff, smart, and un-Juno daughter of the professor, Vanessa Wetherhold).
Previews make out this movie to be similar to the brilliant and hilarious JUNO but on the conservative slant. SMART PEOPLE is conservative but the snappy repartee between characters never lives up to that billing.
Ellen Page does a watered down Juno here for her role as a Young Republican daughter looking for fatherly acceptance.
Dennis Quaid pulls in a strong effort trying to hide angst and sorrow behind pompous intelligence.
Sarah-Jessica Parker was all vanilla. She fell into the background and didn't shine even though she was the main love interest. I kept expecting her to talk about Mr. Big. She'll forever by typecast as the sensible dating girl.
Thomas Haden-Church shines brightest of all bringing college humour when the smart dialogue fails.
If you take away one thing from this review, SMART PEOPLE is not JUNO. If you go down expecting that, you'll be disappointed. SMART PEOPLE isn't a bad movie either. It's riddled with nice interactions and funny lines over a half-decent plot.
If you take two things from this review: for all those Moms whose whole day is taking care of their children and crying out to be normal once and awhile, show them some love, people! They deserve it!

7 Crying Babies out of 10

RUN FATBOY RUN to the theatre

Though the newest Simon Pegg flick, RUN FATBOY RUN, wasn't an "official" Rankatron selection, this was one of the alternates...and a good alternate it was.

Simon Pegg (SHAWN OF THE DEAD, HOT FUZZ) has followed in the footsteps of many entertaining international actors trying to break through into North America mainstream such as Jackie Chan, Rowan Atkinson, and Ricky Gervais. Simon Pegg is going through his RUMBLE IN THE BRONX phase right before he breaks through with his RUSH HOUR. I fear Pegg may go the way of other British comic actors who are extremely talented but never truly connect to most audiences in North America (such as Stephen Fry or Eric Idle). His raw British dry wit is genius and filled with much heart, which isn't fully appreciated if you take the box office numbers on this side of The Pond as an example. If Ricky Gervais cornered the market of hilarious awkward moments for British comedy, Pegg is slowly perfecting the comic art of the lovable loser.

As such, RUN FATBOY RUN chronicles lovable loser, Denny Doyle, who runs from his own wedding leaving his pregnant fiance, Libby, (the fresh Thandie Newton from PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS) to pick up the pieces of her life. He finds salvation and direction five years later in the form of the London Marathon and Libby's new beau, Whit (bufftastic Hank Azaria). Chubby Denny partakes in the London Marathon to amusing and often silly outcomes in hopes of proving to Libby that leaving her at the altar was a mistake he sorely regretted.

RUN FATBOY RUN is a Rom-Com at it's root but done from the guy's point of view with a twist of dry British humour. David Schwimmer directs a sweet and sharp comedy that echoes his character, Ross, from Friends. Don't miss this comedy or else you'll be missing a truly unique actor (Pegg...not Schwimmer) about to hit his prime.


7 more miles out of 10

Newsflash!!! LEATHERHEADS never reaches full potential!

LEATHERHEADS marks the third directorial offering of Mr. George Clooney. The first being the spastic "CONFESSIONS OF A DANGEROUS MIND" followed by the outstanding "GOODNIGHT AND GOOD LUCK". If CONFESSIONS was the weird brother and GOODNIGHT was the good looking brother, LEATHERHEADS would be the brother who thinks he's funnier than he really is but we appreciate him anyway.

The movie plays like a football team just falling short of the winning touchdown. It's a strong heartfelt effort peppered with snappy wordplay and quick wit that never truly finds it's footing.

George Clooney stars as Dodge Connelly, an aging pro footballer trying to save his beloved league from financial demise. Clooney channels the ghostly legends of comics past like Chaplin, the Three Stooges, and Groucho Marx to bring his wildly oddball character to life.

John Krasinski (prankster Jim from THE OFFICE) plays the young famous future of football, Carter Rutherford. Dodge Connelly rides Carter's fame in elevating pro football in 1925 out of the farm fields of Duluth into massive stadiums. Krasinski handles the old school humour and golden heart his character portrays excellently.

The sub-plot revolves around Lexie Littleton (Renee Zellwegger), a smart-mouthed sharp-as-a-whip reporter of the Chicago Tribune, sent to uncover Carter's questionable past that led to his fame. Namely, Carter's agent's (played by the cunningly evil Jonathan Pryce) story about how Carter convinced a platoon of German soldiers during WWI with a few short words. (POST-SCRIPT: The flashback about what those words were is pure comedy gold!)

LEATHERHEADS will pratfall against your funny bone in parts while others will be an ol' stick-in-the-mud. Anyone familiar with 1920's style comedy will find this flick somewhat cliche but it's still a fun movie with some pacing problems. A worthwhile offering for the beginning of the Spring/Summer Ranking Season.

7.2 Bar-room Brawls out of 10

RANK IT UP!!!

RANKING SEASON IS NOW OPEN! (Please remember to wear orange in the woods so you can be seen. We don't want any accidents out there.)

Adam's SUMMER MOVIE RANKATRON 2008! (This is the list of movies I'm DEFINITELY going to catch this summer...and I've got another list of "try-my-besters" which I'll add later)

The "List" can be found along the sexy right side of this site. Just click on the movie if you want to learn more and see the latest promo.

Also, for those of you uninitiated in how I rank movies, I've created a short primer for you to peruse by clicking on this link .

Hope you enjoy the stay! Surprises will abound this summer. So whaddaya say we all go catch a flick or two...

Horton Hears a Review

Dr. Seuss has been a childhood staple long before Dora the Explorer, long before the Wiggles, long before Sesame Street and about as long as Disney. Whether we've read the books or not, most of us have heard of Dr. Seuss's wondrous stories of the Who's weaved around rhythm and rhyme.

HORTON HEARS A WHO is the third Seuss book re-imagined as a movie(the entertaining HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS, and the mediocre CAT IN THE HAT are the other two) but the first to employ the brilliant CGI animation of Blue Sky Studios (brought us ICE AGE). The animation is beautiful and vibrant bringing Horton's world to life in details unlike anything we've seen before (they also use different animation styles such as a hilarious nod to Japanimation). None of this gets in the way to the surprisingly fulfilling tale.

The movie centres around Horton, a free-spirited quirky elephant (voiced by the goofy mimicry of Jim Carrey), who one day hears a voice coming from a tiny speck that he captures on a clover. The voice is of the distraught Mayor of Who-ville (Steve Carrell) in need of guidance. Together they must convince their respective society's the existence of the other (i.e. Horton must try to prove that there are tiny people living on that speck or they'll get destroyed; the Mayor must prove that there's a giant invisible elephant lording over them in the sky determining their fate).

The religious overtones are difficult to avoid but not a distraction. Dr. Seuss stories are, as I'm discovering from rereading them, parables and lessons for everyday life taken, at times, right from the Bible. Horton's lesson is "a person's a person no matter how small" with a sub-lesson of "God is watching over all of us and he just very well be a giant invisible elephant in the sky!"

Every character in this flick is important and the producers spared no expense in bringing in talented actors for those voices. Take a look at this list (Carol Burnett as the close-minded Kangaroo, Seth Rogen as Horton's best rat friend, Will Arnett as Vlad the vampirous vulture, Amy Poehler as the Mayor's wife, Jonah Hill from SUPERBAD, Jaime Presley, Jesse McCartney...the list goes on and on).

Bottom line, HORTON HEARS A WHO is a great fun movie for children and peppered enough with adult references for a few chuckles for the rest (though it could've used more pepper from my point of view). Still it's an entertaining ride and a great escape on this Easter weekend.

7.5 specks out of 10.

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!!!!

Can you smell what THE GAME PLAN is cooking?

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson found his niche when he strayed away from trying to do movie remakes like WALKING TALL (the original was done better...not much though) and video-games-turned-Hollywo

od flicks like DOOM and SPY HUNTER and instead headed towards football movies. The Rock (now wanting to officially shrug off his wrestling nickname and only go by Dwayne Johnson) is in his comfort zone whenever he plays a football player...and whenever he brings out his Elvis routine. THE GAME PLAN showcases both of these skills.

Dwayne Johnson...er, The Rock...I can't bring myself to call him Dwayne...plays an ultra talented quarterback with the world as his oyster. Anything he wants, he gets. He's larger than life both physically and in personality. Life rolls along until his 8 year old daughter (adorable Madison Pettis from The Disney Channel) he never knew existed appears on his doorstep looking for a place to stay.

To say THE GAME PLAN is a blood, sweat, and tears pigskin movie like GRIDIRON GANG or REMEMBER THE TITANS would be misleading. This is a Disney production. And where there's Disney, there has to be a little kid that one-ups the adult (i.e. The Rock) with family friendly comedy and gooey messes. Family friendly Disneyfied hilarity ensues.

Will your kids enjoy this movie? If they like Disney live action comedies,they will. Is there enough in this movie for the adults? Not really. The Rock is sugar coated and the comedy is forced. But he's good enough to make his character passable...but he's more in his element in the football scenes.

6 Rock Bottoms out of 10

SEMI-PRO is Semi Good

(Editor's note: Yes, I had that title saved in my back pocket desperately hoping I could use it. So don't ask. Heh heh.)

Jackie Moon said it best in this movie: "No refunds! Consider your refund escaping this death trap with your lives!" (Funny line in context)

SEMI-PRO is another one of your usual overacted, slapstick riddled, 70's throwback, star-studded Will Farrell vehicles that is either a hit or miss.

Now, I must preface this review in saying that I've never been a huge fan of Farrell in his days of SNL (even though he was the best part of his era and carried the show much like Joe Piscopo did in the early 80's). I admit I got a huge laugh out of BLADES OF GLORY, TALLEDEGA NIGHTS, and ANCHORMAN even though I wasn't expecting much. And did you ever notice how Farrell plays the same inept, childlike, duck-out-of-water-with- a-misguided-heart character in all his movies? But this isn't a bad thing. He's perfected this role and has spun it into a great movie career (like what Jim Carrey did for butt talking and rubber face mugging). But in watching SEMI-PRO, I can't help but think that this character has reached its shelf life and is nearing expiration. It's a lot of the same old stuff as before but with a basketball.

SEMI-PRO is scattered with long forgotten but talented comic actors such as Will Arnett (ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT), Andy Richter (LATE SHOW WITH CONAN O'BRIAN), and Rob Corrdry (THE DAILY SHOW). And anchoring this movie in reality are gifted performers who you feel are either big Farrell fans or lost a bet to star in this movie (Woody "White Men Can't Jump" Harrelson, Andre "Outkast" Benjamin, and Maura "ER" Tierney).

There are enough moments in SEMI-PRO to make you laugh but not so much to make you feel the movie was worth the price of admission.

Bottom line, if you dig Will Farrell, you'll like this watered down comedy version of him. If you don't get Farrell, go watch ANCHORMAN as an orientation. It's essentially the same movie, a lot funnier, and you get more cheesy mustaches.

6.8 Alley Oops out of 10

EASTERN PROMISES a nude fight scene starring Viggo!

Mafia movies are guaranteed to bring you three things:

1. An over-confident boss operating behind some domestic front like a restaurant or a laundromat.
2. A young heir looking to take over the family "business" more sooner than later.
3. Lots of crushed bones, buckets of blood, and a sidewalk full of half smoked cigs. (Combined into one for brevity's sake.)

We've seen this tried and true formula before in last year's Best Movie pic (THE DEPARTED) and in countless classics like SCARFACE, and THE GODFATHER. EASTERN PROMISES delivers all of these must-haves with a Russian Accent and a naked Viggo Mortensen.

We follow a young nurse, Anna (Naomi Watts), searching for the relatives of a baby who's mother died in birth. Her only guide is what's written within the mother's diary written all in Russian. In her search, she stumbles into a world of Vodka and names ending in "-ov" known as the Russian Mafia. Here, she meets a friendly chauffeur with a dark streak and looking like the blond Russian boxer from ROCKY 3 (I Will Break You!) named Nikolai (Viggo Mortensen).

Viggo Mortensen (of Aragorn-fame in the LORD OF THE RING trilogy) carries this complex character with intelligence, strength, and poise as he tightropes between the raw ruthlessness of the mafia and the true honesty of Anna. He bares all for his craft including a long fight scene where he fends off two assassins in his birthday suit with mighty Anduril swinging to and fro for all to see. Apparently, there is such thing as TOO MUCH Viggo. Still, this doesn't take away from this amazing role.
EASTERN PROMISES was produced by Focus Features (an independent subsidiary of Universal Pictures). I've never been led astray with movies from this company. As soon as I see they were involved with this movie at the opening, I knew I was in for at minimum a great story on a shoestring budget (well...shoestring in Hollywood means they only throw a few dozen mil at its production). Focus Features have also produced other great (but outside the norm) movies like BEING JOHN MALKOVICH (1999), THE MOTORCYCLE DIARIES (2004), TRAFFIC (2000), LOST IN TRANSLATION (2003), and this year's IN BRUGES (2008). I highly recommend anything in their repertoire. EASTERN PROMISES is no different.

This is your atypical mafia movie taken from a slightly different point of view.

7.5 Viggo Chin Dimples out of 10

MICHAEL CLAYTON: George Clooney with a Twist

MICHAEL CLAYTON.

Not exactly a movie title that enthralls, excites, and gives you a cool shiver of anticipation. The movie poster even screams boring with George Clooney sporting a ash grey suit looking slightly distressed. But once you get past the bland exterior, you uncover an enjoyable legal thriller with twists that can be anticipated if you've read any John Grisham novels.

George Clooney plays an intelligent, quirky Everyman with a chiseled jawline and a disarming smile named Michael Clayton. If this description sounds familiar, it's because HE'S PLAYING HIMSELF!!!! Except he gets to wear a smart business suit and pretend he's a lawyer. And Clooney does play this character extremely well. So much so that you can't distinguish where Clooney ends and Clayton begins. (Hint: they're one and the same) What boggles my boggler is how Clooney ends up getting a Best Actor selection for playing himself. He didn't put on a prosthetic nose to look ugly (the Academy eats the Attractive-Person-Plays-Ug

ly-Person up like Chiclets). He didn't put on an accent or try to overcome a delibitating disease.

Unlike the other Best Actor nominees, Clooney doesn't even stretch himself outside his comfort zone. He wasn't a sadistic barber (Depp), an eccentric oil tycoon (Day-Lewis), a Russian immigrant caught up in crime (Mortensen), or...er...Tommy Lee Jones (ok I don't know what his character is all about but if Clooney and Jones are acting like themselves in an Acting War, I take Jones any day.) Bottom line, Clooney can act but I would've expected more from a Best Actor nominee.

Karen Crowder (the amazing Tilda Swinton of indie films like Thumbsucker and Broken Flowers) is a high powered corporate executive looking to protect her company's best interests at all costs. This puts her in direct opposition with Michael Clayton's crusade to fulfill his dead friend's mission to overthrow her company.

Who succeeds in the end? Therein lies the twist.

This is a good movie to sit down with your favourite copy of "Federal Jurisdiction in a Nutshell" by David P. Currie...or some other cozy legal read. If you like a smart thinking thriller, this tort's for you.


7 colour copies of damning evidence out of 10

THERE WILL BE BL-AAAAH....

THERE WILL BE BLOOD is an Academy nominee for Best Movie of 2007. Now, I trust the Academy on some movie choices and a lot of time I give them the benefit of the doubt...but too often they throw in the compulsory Epic nominee. That one movie that spans in inordinate amount of time and is given a free pass to be less than perfect because it is so difficult to pull off a truly great epic. Truly great ones like Gandhi, or Lord of the Rings. THERE WILL BE BLOOD is the token epic that gets the nod solely upon the excellent acting of Daniel Day-Lewis, some clever cinematography, and shocking scenes.

The reclusive Daniel Day-Lewis pokes his head out of the ground to play lead character Daniel Plainview, an obsessive oil tycoon bent on doing anything to earn a buck. Plainview is remorseless in abandoning his own son, taking on a religion he didn't believe in, and even murder to own the land covering an oil reserve. And Day-Lewis morphs into the character as seemlessly as Johnny Depp.

He duels morals with the young naive town priest (Paul Dano). This becomes a battle of religion versus money. Plainview compromises himself to win over the town by aligning himself with the priest with the sole purpose to take advantage of him. The problem with this battle is that the poor priest is greatly overmatched by a master of the game.

The rest of the movie is entirely forgettable unless you dig epics (the movie clocks in at about 2 and a half hours...and it feels like it). The concerto of violins used as background music are meant to be artsy but come off as forced and cheap...something you'd hear in a B horror movie and not an Oscar nominee.

THERE WILL BE BLOOD echoes a much better epic done 67 years ago called CITIZEN KANE (*SPOILER* instead of an oil tycoon, it's a newspaper tycoon!). For Day-Lewis, who pulls off a barely likeable character, and for the movie itself, THERE WILL BE NO OSCAR.

6 dry oil beds out of 10.